#there's still stress and Problems. I have to take some big risks and I'm still trying to get a diagnosis for some stuff

[loopdile]

loopdile so real. i have a Vision of both siffrin and loop being Deeply Deeply Closeted Repressed Transfem and having gender envy over odile and i feel like that'd do Something to the Dynamic. Something......... Something........................... well i'm not successfully envisioning it but maybe YOU are?

i am positively plagued by loopdile gender visions!!! maybe not the exact same as you're thinking but i think you will enjoy them. walk with me, anon, through the garden of my loop gender headcanons. it's kind of a big garden but we'll get to the odile part eventually i promise.

Before they were Siffrin, Siffrin had their gender on lock: something transfem, but also tied to unique cultural elements in some way, either the specific identity or the way of thinking about it or just the particular set of presentation options. Perhaps they even started fantasy HRT! But then they forget everything, obviously, including their identity and transition plans. They decide pretty quickly that they're not a man, but none of the alternatives feel exactly correct either; if their previous identity was presented as an option, maybe it would click and they'd settle into it pretty fast, but unfortunately that is literally impossible.

So, no clear goals in mind. And because of his forgotten past, continued memory problems, and constant traveling, Siffrin starts to really value the few things he can count on to stay consistent. He'd rather wear his comfortable hat and cloak than leave them behind in favor of anything more gendered. He'd rather stick with his familiar body than risk changing it. Still, maybe there are some changes he'd be happier in the long run to have made... but the process would be stressful, and he's got enough stressful things to worry about already!

But then we get to Loop. Who has already been changed, suddenly and irrevocably and so very, very accidentally. They are not Siffrin anymore, they do not have the hat and cloak, they aren't even human. They don't even really remember who they were pre-loops. There is no familiarity for them to cling to; instead, they're desperate to find things they can control, things they can change, proof that the world moves forward and they're in charge of their place in it. The motivation that Siffrin lacked, Loop now has in spades!

However, their negative feelings are more intense as well. They struggle to face real stakes, to put effort into anything too complicated, to try anything that might disappoint them. They take risks, yes, but not about things they care about; they take risks because they don't care. And they have a lot of other things going on, too, both practically and psychologically, so gender isn't their immediate priority. "Who and what am I?" is a very difficult question for them right now on multiple levels, a difficult question with only difficult answers.

But, starting with the practical: wearing clothes is an easy way to look and feel a little bit more normal, right? So they experiment, and they decide that dresses are just similar enough to the cloak to be comfortable, but distinct enough to not be as emotionally fraught. And they like them in a frivolous way that Siffrin was never willing to lean all the way into. Siffrin didn't put much thought or energy into his appearance, but Loop's inhuman form is a constant issue, so they might as well dress it in a way they like! Something good to balance out the bad, since they can't be neutral any longer.

And of course they think about body craft, though in a different context from most people. Even the nearly-human parts of their body are lacking detail, without all the right functions behind the form, and then other parts aren't human at all. Their body feels wrong, distracting, constricting. They don't understand how it works, and it draws attention they don't want, and it's not them. And yet, isn't it? Even if they'd been put back into a Siffrin body again, they aren't Siffrin anymore, either. Loop is what the loops made them. They want to change their body, to make it something they can be comfortable in, but they can't. Because body craft is a method of changing flesh and blood and bone, and Loop is not made of such human stuff anymore.

So we've got Loop. Trying to find themself, and maybe succeeding in some ways, but stymied or uncertain in others. Desperate to change, but scared to hope. To make a long story short, they join back up with the party, which brings its own set of problems, and yet... it's also a step towards fixing some of their problems, too. Most relevant to our post, here: Odile is a craft expert with a unique set of experiences. She's got a wide foundation of knowledge, since she's familiar with all three main craft types. She used to be part of Ka Bue's underground body-crafting scene, where she not only crafted her own body but also helped and taught other people; and unlike in Vaugarde, where Houses provide resources and education, Odile and her peers had to do their own research and experiments, develop their own techniques. She even has some knowledge of wish craft from Siffrin, and the way she stopped Siffrin from looping proves that she's unusually good at analyzing and adapting to new forms of craft.

So once Loop's dissatisfaction with and ignorance regarding their own physical form comes to Odile's attention, of course she offers to help. To see if she can figure out what their body is made of, and how it works, and hopefully, in what ways it can be changed.

And this dynamic with her... it's totally different from her relationship with Siffrin, both pre-loops and post. And Loop has always admired her, and here she is, talking about the confidence and determination with which she changed her own body, not without fear or frustration but not letting herself be slowed down by them, either. Taking her fate into her own hands and refusing to be anyone other than herself. And Loop used to feel that Odile understood them best, and losing that connection felt like the end of the world, but here she is, still! Observant and caring as ever. Dedicated to figuring them out again. Unflinching as she sees them for the strange thing they currently are, but equally unshakable in her insistence that they do not have to stay exactly as they are.

So Odile helps them figure out their body. Helps them with the craft itself, too, but even more than that — through both encouragement and example, she helps them be brave enough to genuinely try. To ask themself what they really want. To strike a balance between Siffrin's complacent hesitation and Loop's miserable desperation. To experiment, and face both the chance of failure and the chance of success with head held high. To hope.

Odile is not one for platitudes and empty positivity, after all. If she says something's possible, then it is, or she will make it so, one way or another, despite any setback. Isn't she proof? She remade herself, and she can remake Loop, too. Changing them, slowly and carefully and so very, very deliberately. Loop will never be human again, but they can decide who they are and become themself.

[ms-demeanor]

hello! sorry to bother w this but im sort of desperate at this point. given your post about school abuse: so like. i had a similar experience and i thought that i had sorted my brain out. BUT. big but. now im trans and every time i have to correct people w/ misgender or come out to people that i dont already know their opinion on the issue, i get an anxiety attack that makes me unable to do it. ive told many therapists and no one so far has understood why im terrified of making stuff that other people can perceive as me being difficult to work with. would you have *any* advice? thanks!

Okay so first of all it is totally valid to feel that way; that isn't an irrational response, that is your body and brain going "!!!! I have learned this lesson before!" But just because it's a sensible response doesn't mean it's functional in the long term, which is why it needs to be addressed (which I'm sure you already know, I'm just explaining for people in the back).

So now here is some meandering advice:

Spend time with people you already know you can trust. It's okay to take a break from new people and situations (as much as is possible) when you are processing traumatic events and learning to care for yourself. Spending time with people who you don't have to come out to, who don't misgender you, can help you normalize being out and correctly gendered to yourself.

Recognize that you don't have to be out to everyone and some assholes aren't worth it. This is going to depend some on the context, but you don't owe everybody an explanation for yourself and if people repeatedly misgender you after being corrected you may just be better off not spending time around those people.

Loop in trusted people in low-stakes ways. If you get the sense that someone who you think is pretty safe has misgendered you on accident, it might still feel too intimidating to correct them in person but it might be a good idea to follow up with text or a call or a message to say "hey, just FYI, I think I heard you use a/b pronouns for me earlier, I just wanted to let you know that I use c/d pronouns. Did you want to meet up again next week?" the breakdown on why I think this is effective is - Distance means you're safe - nonthreatening "FYI" means you aren't saying "I'm offended" and assumes good faith from the other person - feels less accusatory (not that you need to tone police yourself, but if you're trying to lower the stress level overall then assuming it was a mistake and letting them know you don't think it was on purpose should reduce the overall tension) - request to meet up again or topic switch to something lighter once again says "I'm not mad, that was just regular information, we can now return to our scheduled programming"

I think that, generally speaking, this is also a decent way to come out to people if you're nervous; physically remote and emotionally casual can be a good place to work from (even if you're actually panicking in your head but you can pull off casual in a written message)

Find (or create) a space where people are 100% going to support you. If you need to create a discord server, if you need to schedule a regular coffee date with trusted friends or family members, whatever it is, give yourself a space where you are unconditionally supported and can have people to bounce ideas and concerns off of. Even if it's just you and one other person, it's good to know you have *someone* who you can say "I think I want to tell this other person to use my pronouns but it's scary" to and know that you're not at risk in any way. I'd say try to make sure that you're still interacting with people outside of that space, but have a space to retreat to where you can just drop the worry.

Recognize that somebody else's problem is not a reflection of you. If you have, for instance, a coworker who is being a piece of shit and refusing to recognize your gender, that is not a reflection of your gender that is a reflection of them being a piece of shit. If there is a classmate or a sibling who uses the wrong pronouns after being corrected that doesn't mean you're not entitled to your pronouns that means they are being a piece of shit. Some people are just not going to accept you and that's on them. Try to minimize your time spent with them and if you have to spend time with them at work take steps to ensure your safety, but don't fight losing battles with assholes.

It really is legitimately scary. You have good reasons to be scared and you are doing a very frightening thing (and not to do the meme thing but you are legitimately being so brave about it; the fact that you are reaching out and asking anyone for help, including randos on the internet, means that you are taking steps to doing the scary thing and that is SO GOOD and I'm really proud of you for making the effort in spite of the fear).

Here is some less meandering advice:

Practice. Talk to yourself in the mirror, practice with friends, practice with your therapist. Practice coming out to yourself in a casual way. Practice correcting your pronouns. Practice an introduction for yourself that explains the information you want to give to new people you might meet. Get it down to a quick little patter, get it to be something that's easy to say to yourself in the mirror first, then try it with friends for practice, then try it around the safer people you might want to give the information to. It'll get easier as you go.

Look for a local support group (or an online support group). If there's a local LGBTQ+ center you should see if they've got events going on or a support group you can join or workshops or any manner of social thing where you can go interact with people who have been through similar stuff.

Journal. Each time you find yourself frightened of talking to someone about your gender, do what you need to to get through the day and then sit down and think about that interaction. Write down what happened, write down what you were thinking. Was there something in particular that made you anxious? Is it something you can practice addressing? Was there something you noticed about the person that made you uncomfortable? Is that a common thread in the times you have trouble talking about this? If you're able to narrow down specifically what is making it hard to speak to some people that might make it easier to explain to therapists but will also make it more actionable for you.

Here's some very optimistic advice:

If at all possible find a friend who will be rabid and unflinching in their support for you and hang out with them around new people. Get yourself an attack dog copilot who will cheerfully step up and make corrections for you. I know not everyone can do this and I know that if you can find someone like this they can't be around all the time, but it can be wonderfully reassuring to find that one person who you know is going to be ride or die about making sure that everyone in the room respects you. (Being that person for someone else can also teach you how to be that person for you)

[tickled-p1nk]

Burdens Shared are Lighter ⋆˙⟡

: ̗̀➛ XYX x Singer! Family issues! Reader : ̗̀➛ contents: fem!reader, established relationship, fluff to medium angst to comfort, wrote this with a specific person in mind, character has a mentally ill mom and absent dad, Xyx and you are bad at being vulnerable, probably grammar mistakes (English is my first language but I still suck at it), reader has a larger chest, uhhhh yeah enjoy y'all : ̗̀➛: ~1.3k words

It's been a year since you and Xyx had opened your hearts to each other. First it was a long distance relationship, each of you travelling back and forth between Australia and where you lived. Eventually you got a job in Australia with a recording studio, and a day job as a 9-5 office worker - at least until your singing career takes off in the next year or so.

You were his queen, his everything, and he took it upon himself to take care of you. You went on dates at least once a week, and Xyx showered you with gifts and affection, making sure you never felt a single ounce of discontentment. He did anything and everything to make you happy and comfort you and make you laugh. It was his job after all.

But of course no person is without demons. Your family back in the states, despite the physical distance, had an unshakeable hold on you. The words they spoke and the horrors you endured haunted your dreams at night and whispered during the day. But you being you did not confide in Xyx, you knew how hard his job is so you opted to not be a “burden”, as you saw yourself. Xyx had much the same problem, with such a stressful job and demons of his own he was burdened day and night with thoughts and feelings of how he was worthless and how he was nothing if he couldn't make you happy. Yes you had gotten through to him but things like healing are not linear and they get worse before they can get better.

Sure you both took care of each other the best you could, but you can only take care of someone without taking care of yourself for so long. Eventually the weight of both your pains formed an invisible wall between the both of you. The tension was palpable.

Whenever he brought you to your favorite restaurant and he didn't see the little twinkles of happiness in your eyes his heart broke just a little bit more. You had a harder time getting out of bed sometimes not even waking up till past noon. You both talked less and Xyx threw himself into his work and started taking more risks. He had near crashes almost every day, he didn't tell you of course but you noticed. The dirt and gravel on his jeans and his motorcycle getting beat up was evidence enough.

It all came to a head on one of many peaceful nights spent at home cuddling, his head on your chest. He noticed your grim expression as you looked at your phone.

“Hey doll are you doing okay? My darling sun seems to be dimming, can't have that now can we.” he flashed his signature smirk-smile, his snake bite piercings pinching his lips.

“Yeah no I'm fine! I could never be down with you here,” your expression betrayed your cheery tone as another text from your mother came through, “hm.”

Xyx grabbed your phone, “Give me back my phone!” you reached for it but he held it out of your grasp and began reading your exchange with your mother

“Tch, your mom's…” he held his tongue and decided it wouldn't help if he insulted your mom, “You know you can rely on me. Why don't you? I want to make you happy! It isn't right that you deal with all of this alone.”

His eyes held the flames of unbridled fury, not for you, but for those who do you wrong. Maybe some of that fury was for him too, for not helping you more, for not being there for you, for allowing such sorrow to make its way into your life.

“It's fine, it's not worth your time and it's not a big deal, I'm fine. I am happy!” You weren't sure if you were trying to convince him or yourself more

You snatched your phone back from your very concerned partner and looked at the newly sent texts from your mom. She was rambling about some sort of evil scheme the world had conspired against the two of you. She was going on and on about how she couldn't believe you would turn against her, after all she did for you you abandoned her and how useless you are. Your eyes welled with tears not having the ability to respond besides a simple heart on her last message. You didn't know how to deal with this. You left your chat with your mom to the one with your dad, the last message was you wishing him a happy birthday a week ago with a sad little thumbs up.

Xyx saw your distress and gently but firmly placed his large hand on your cheek and wiped away your tears. He leaned in slowly and kissed your forehead and with the other hand removed your phone from your grasp, turning it off, placing it elsewhere. He moved down to your lips wiping a few more tears away from your beautiful face. He touched his forehead to yours, now laying in-between your legs once more, this time caging you in with his arms.

“Why don't you tell me these things, doll?” He had a smirk painted across his face but his eyes showcased the sincerity from which his question came.

“Why don't you tell me these things, doll?” you spat back, not out of malice but out of concern. It wasn't fair that the love of your life was so caring but accepted no help for himself.

Xyx sighed and lowered his eyes not being able to muster the courage to meet your gaze. He rubbed your cheek with his hand again and began to retreat.

You looked at him, your gaze could've bore a hole in his head if you had the ability. This time you held his head in your hands bringing him closer to you. You forced him to look at you as tears welled in both of your eyes.

“I notice the dirt and gravel on your jeans, my love. I notice the late nights at work. I notice your solemn expressions when you think no one's looking.” You told him, forcing him to look at you too.

Xyx was speechless with only a few stray tears making their way onto his tan face. Your eyes burned with tears once again looking into your lover's eyes and seeing the pain that simmered within.

You reached forward and wrapped your arms around him, holding his head to your chest (his favorite part 😏), and letting him come undone in your grasp. His sobs racked through his whole body, shaky and heavy breaths going through his lungs. His tears soaked through your thin worn shirt, not that you cared. Honestly some part of you was happy about this, or at least grateful, focusing on him took the spotlight off of you. You can't possibly burden him with your sorrow if this was the state he's in. It was only right.

He grasped your shirt tightly, almost ripping it off, his eyes red with tears shed, finally the shaky breaths turned into calm huffs. He looked up at you with tired eyes, bags heavy and prominent.

“Don't think this means you're off the hook now, doll.” He looked up at you with a tired mischievous smile making its way across his face.

You blushed slightly avoiding his eyeline, now finding your fingers very interesting. You wanted comfort and support but you didn't know how to accept it or ask for it. You've never been cared for like this before. You had always been on the giving end, silently discontent with your existence, until now. You didn't know how to react to such a supporting lover especially since he struggled with much the same things that you do.

This time you were the speechless one, until Xyx turned your beautiful face to turn to his.

“Please.” He begged you, his eyes pleading.

You took a deep breath and asked him, “Are you sure?”

He nodded with only assurance in his eyes now.

You took a deep breath and decided to divulge the details of all your burdens to him, finally.

He listened intently, never leaving your side, carefully comforting you as you sobbed in between sentences, holding you when you got too nervous. He wiped the tears that spilled from your eyes and held you to his page body making sure you were at maximum safety and comfort.

The night was long and filled with many, many years but you both came out of it stronger. Your mother's messages were left unread until late the next day, and when confronted with her delusions once more you knew now that you could rely on your lover completely and totally. Xyx was still stressed out from work and struggled with his own demons and of course he still saw himself as nothing if not useful, but you pushed through to him and made sure he knew he could and should rely on you as well.

a/n: dedicated to @heeseungsserenity banner and art credit goes to @cafekitsune and @popsinekoart

[vflamrrrph]

Yall are gonna get mad, but hear me out. I wish for no harm, no problems. You can even correct me on some things if I got it mixed it. I'm just laying out my thoughts.

Odysseus is my favorite. He's my baby. Like, to a degree. So when I say this, I mean it from a logical POV, no bias.

I, as upsetting as it sounds, believe that the whole situation to get home was Ody's fault, no Eury.

HEAR ME OUT! Also SPOILERS, depending on if you're starting the musical for the first time like I did a while ago. This gets pretty wordy.

Both Eurylochus and Odysseus are complex characters, human, we can understand that. But there's something that bothers me.

Had Ody not reveal his name to Polyphemus, kept it as Nobody, Poseidon wouldn't have found out it was him(hopefully). Whether or not the gods knew about Odysseus to begin with(other than Zeus and Athena) is a mystery to me. You're free to tell me if Poseidon knew him before the Cyclops saga.

And let's say if he did! Let's say, Odysseus had kept the bag closed with no problems and made his way home. Who was to say that Poseidon, while knowing his name and location, will show up like in the Vengeance saga and take revenge right then and there? Or worse, when they finally make it to shore(potentially putting more people at risk).

If Poseidon didn't know his name and Eurylochus opened the bag, there PROBABLY wouldn't be any danger. Just a longer and more stressful journey. Would they encounter the same problems in the musical? Maybe. Who's to say if those situations will be handled the same as well(considering we still have our 500 men)?

If Poseidon is clever enough to see behind the Nobody trick(I wouldn't know), then as unfortunate as it sounds, Athena would've also been right. Because if what I heard is correct, handicapping someone back then was worse than DEATH. So true to Poseidon's word, it would've been best to kill his son. How? I don't quite know. Polyphemus is big, definitely better to kill after blinding him so that the path wasn't blocked.

I'm going on a tangent, my apologies.

Now, I've said what I've said. I love Odysseus, but this journey really could've been prevented if his pride and grief didn't get to him. But that's not something I can just say. Especially after seeing his best friend's death. It's more like, grief can make you say things you may not mean/regret. It happens, it's natural. No one can really hold you against it. But it could really bite you in the ass and make you feel more regret(in this case, tenfold). I feel bad, but mistakes were made. There's no changing that.

On the bright side, at least it makes the musical more dramatic and entertaining to listen to.

Also please understand, I'm no Eurylochus apologist. Like Ody, he's complex and has moments that'll bite him in the ass(tenfold).

Ngl, like modern times probably, a lot of this could be resolved if we communicated or just listened more amongst one another. But that's just me. I wouldn't know.

Also RIP Polites. I listened to his cut song. I absolutely see where Ody is comin from-

[nellie-elizabeth]

The Handmaid's Tale: Surprise (6x06)

Oh noooooo.

Cons:

Okay... I'm... trying to reserve judgment here. What I'm worried about is that June will never forgive Nick and Nick will redeem himself for this betrayal someway with his life, and that Nick will be dead before the season is over in order to ensure June and Holly etc. are free. That's my fear. That, to me, is a more boring version of this story than I want them to tell. I want June to understand that her cavalier insistence that Nick can take care of her problems led him into a corner where his very life was at risk. He kept her safe, while betraying Mayday's plan to blow up a bunch of Commanders. Sure, we wish Nick could have been braver and stronger or more clever in some way. But this isn't a straightforward situation and I hope that the show will acknowledge that in a more direct way.

Does it seem like June was actually entertaining Nick's offer there at the end, too? Because that's bananas. Even if June would maybe dip out on Luke for Nick's sake, she wouldn't dip out on Hannah, or the other Handmaids. I don't like the suggestion that she was actually being swayed, honestly.

This episode had a couple of moments that just felt a little clunky and on-the-nose, like of course Naomi had to wake up and almost catch Joseph in the basement with Moira and June... and that moment where Joseph is preemptively gloating about the Mayday plan by telling Naomi that none of it will matter in the future... it's like, dude, be quiet. Be smarter than this. The same lack of subtlety showed when June picks up Serena's writing and sees her writing about the Handmaids and how essential they were... like, it just feels a bit too contrived.

Pros:

This show still shines for me on the strength of the performances, more so than on the strength of the individual scripts or scenes, and this episode was no different. So many juicy moments that stressed me out and/or made me feel so much.

To start, I love thinking about the interaction between June and Lawrence from Moira's point of view. They've really got such a complicated history between them, and I loved Moira trying to thank him for saving them and June's like "don't thank him!" all belligerent. She's kind of stupid, not playing nice with the people who hold her life in their hands, but I also love the idea of these two just boiling over with all these layers of resentment and the reluctant sense of trust between them. The fact is, Lawrence didn't know that June might be able to help him with his problem, when he got her and Moira out of danger. The fact is, he could have used them for political leverage and he chose not to. It's a lot!

Janine and Lydia's scene was also so complicated. I feel just absolutely zero sympathy for Aunt Lydia, like, holy shit, get your act together. How can you expect Janine or any of these women to ever forgive you? There's something so chilling about the way she still infantalizes them. "My girls" and bringing them cookies... and then she lashes out and slaps Janine in the face, then blubbers and apologizes... that scene was working for me on so many levels because at the same time that I was marveling at Lydia's delusions and heart-sore for Janine, I was worried that Janine might get a bit too volatile and let something slip about the big plan.

On that note, Janine's really become great at surviving in this world. That little scene with Nick was maybe my favorite small moment in the episode. "May, April, something like that..." as a way to ask "is June safe" and give Nick a safe way to answer her! I love how all these people who don't have a personal connection, nevertheless create this web of conspiracy and care around June. Nick and Janine, and then later when Nick sends June to Serena... it's so wild!

The same way I don't have sympathy for Lydia, I don't have sympathy for Serena! The delusion on this woman, to wonder why June won't forgive her! Girl, you serially raped her and tortured her and forced her to have sex with Nick and then tried to steal her baby, all while already having been instrumental in the kidnapping of her other daughter! Get a grip. But I do like watching Serena as this interesting example of the lies we tell ourselves. She can convince herself that this time Gilead is getting it right, she can convince herself that this marriage is a good idea. But June is right when she says that this is just a different version of Gilead that's better for Serena specifically. It's not real liberation, it's not real freedom.

Serena's got all the trappings of being truly penitent and changed. Symbolically, there's something very powerful about her sitting down to breakfast with Rita and June, her former Martha and Handmaid, around a breakfast that Serena prepared. But that symbol isn't actually enough to erase the reality, and all these women know it, deep down. I liked that June tried to rope Rita in, and she bowed out. She's trying to keep her head down and protect her family. And it's hard to blame her, I feel like I might be too scared to do anything more.

So.... Nick. I'm scared of where this is going. I feel like that flashback scene with June and Nick was a real sign that his character is going to be redeemed only by an ultimate sacrifice and that will bum me out in a major way! But still, I'm glad we got to see the two of them in that past moment, as peaceful as it was possible for them to be, fantasizing about being a couple in the normal world. And then him showing up and pulling her into that kiss, asking her to run with him to Paris... wow. Swoon.

It's potentially hokey, but that final shot of June in the closet, with the light spilling through the cut-outs in the door... like a penitent giving confession... while Nick disappears into the shadows right beside her... oof. I'm heartbroken for both of them honestly. And now Joseph is in big big danger, and June is trapped in Gilead, and Jezebel's has been shut down, which means what for Janine and the other women there? I truly have no idea what's going to happen from here! There are just four more episodes to wrap everything up.

This episode had some disappointing elements to it, to be sure. But I was still utterly captivated by the dynamic performances on the screen, and I'm excited to see the big conclusion!

7.5/10

[mouseratz]

in light of the new American report, to reiterate:

- ROGD is not a thing. it is a lot of parents of trans kids essentially going "my trans kid has friends online that are also trans and therefore it is their fault" being made into a Thing, and supports the concept of transness as a "contagion" (as well as a flimsy trend). it sucks.

- many of these treatments are not new. the Nazis burned German records of transgender healthcare, for example. also a bunch of them are routinely, regularly used for cis children and adults safely*.

(*intersex people are often not given a choice in the matter and can have a lot of bad experiences with some of these treatments, though, so, not universally, but that's often more an issue of consent & forcing a child to conform to one sex even if they'd be safe and healthy as they were.)

but generally, we know what gender-affirming treatments do unless there's a complication with another physical condition.

- on that note, I'm pretty damn sure being trans and getting gender affirming care does not cause any psychiatric conditions. there is certainly a correlation....but is that causation? or is it, perhaps, that certain groups of people face extra stress? hm.

-'adverse cognitive impacts' this is a nothingburger. it could make you feel bad, I guess?

-the bone density thing can happen....BUT as a result of not having enough of either t or e in your system (for example, if your body has an issue naturally producing either of these hormones, you will have to take at least one of them for the rest of your life or your bones will have problems).

- many of the other side effects are like, technically....? risks, but typically if improperly done, or again, interacting with another specific medical condition.....and usually the risk is not much different from that of cis people from the shit I've seen, but I'm not a doctor. there are reasons doctors usually take your bloodwork before starting any of these medications, for proper dosing & to check for certain big problems (and they STILL can fuck it up, because they are often undereducated on how to treat trans patients even though the knowledge on how to do so already exists.) But that's true of anything, really.

-infertility does happen sometimes. it's like an actual problem you might have. but some people have that happen either way (and some trans people can still have bio kids/impregnate/get pregnant, for the record. I just don't think infertility is as scary a possibility as certain people make it out to be.)

-regret is also true of anything you do ever. and the data we do have....keeps those numbers pretty low. because many of the gender affirming surgeries are prohibitively expensive and hard to access, too, so like, restricting them further isn't really gonna help except make the people who need them worse off.

-anyway. the whole thing is that they don't believe the data we currently have on any of this stuff and it doesn't matter if your kid needs any of these treatments, they just don't know what's good for them. and also conversion therapy is good actually but it's also mean that you would call it that :(

this is transparently cruel and will be used to enable further abuse of trans kids. so great stuff here

[hellssheep]

Chapter 5: Big Truth, Small Justice

Amanda wakes up to see that Riley is already driving to Shaun’s place. She turned around to check on Wooly to see if he was sleeping alright. He is himself once again, and is still asleep during the ride. Amanda really wanted to wake him, but she is aware that Wooly likely had a much more stressful night than Amanda has. It's probably best to let him sleep a bit more. She moved the seat back to a near 90° angle.

“Good morning Amanda.” Riley greeted her. “Did you sleep well?”

“Kinda.” She responded as she stretched her limbs. “Im gonna miss my bed tho.”

“I know, I miss mine already too. The problem is that Hameln will probably expect us to go back at some point. I don't wanna risk any of you guys ending up in their hands again.”

“Yea, that would be awful.”. Amanda looked back at Wooly, finally waking up from his slumber. “How long until we get to Shaun’s house or something?”

“Fifteen more minutes. It won't take long.”

“We… Are you going to the house of that store owner?” Wooly asked as he is still a little groggy from waking up.

“Yea, we are.” Riley answered

“Morning Wooly!” Amanda greeted him. “How are you feeling?”

“I'm not really sure. Tired to be honest.”. Wooly scratched the back of his neck, before his eyes widened as if he just remembered something. “W-w-wait a minute. Did…did I really fight off a pack of giant rats last night?”

“Yep, you sure did.”

“No… hecking… way. That felt like a dream. H…how many was it?”

“Five, but not all at once. Actually, Riley helped with one of them. You did kill two of them if that's what you mean.”

This still left Wooly speechless for a few seconds. It's still a pretty appropriate response to slay monsters with your bare hands and zero combat experience. “That is still unbelievable. Aren't they double my size?”

“They are at least a foot or two bigger than you, but only when you are in your Hellhound form.” 

“My gods. Di…did I hurt anyone again that time?”

“Just the Husk Rats, and they deserve it if it makes you feel any better.”

“Husk Rats?”

“Yea. That's what Hameln called them apparently.”

“Of course it was them,” Wooly sarcastically mumbled. “What else do they want from us? Ugh, I shouldn't have trusted them in the first place.” Amanda is too familiar with that mistake as well. Hamelin even tricked Sam into agreeing to it, and it caused him his freedom and his daughter. That's what usually happens when you are too gullible and not skeptical enough.

They sat in silence for a moment. Amanda has a question she is wanting to ask:

“What is it actually like…for you to be that… that creature?”

“I don't really know how to explain it. you would not understand. I m… might jumble some words up.”

“I don't really mind. I'll try my best to understand.”

It took a few seconds for wooly to think. He took a deep breath, calmly exhaled, and finally told Amanda “It’s like… my mind is shared with another… more primal mind. Sometimes everything becomes a blur if it’s… conscience overpowers mine.”

“Oh, like Dissociative Personality Disorder or something?” Riley asked.

“I don’t… I don’t even know what that is.”

“Oh. umm… nevermind. You should put on your seatbelts by the way.” 

Wooly noticed that he doesn't have his seatbelt on him. “Oh right. Thanks for reminding me." He politely told them as Wooly finally buckled himself in.“...Anyways, I felt… kinda strong in some way. To be specific, I have incredible strength, speed and agility that I didn't know I had, and an incredible sense of smell and hearing. It's pretty neat and all, but… I feel powerless to the beast that I share that horrid form with. He…He has half of the control over my behavior, and it is stronger when our emotions are the same or if my conscience isn't there at the moment.”

“What do you mean about the last part?” Amanda asked

“Like… um… the best way I could explain it is… if I was paralyzed behind the plane’s control and the passenger took the wheel instead. Does that make sense?”

“Oh okay. I can kinda see that. If an autopilot has its own conscience and animalistic behavior?”

“Yea, more like that. Regardless, it's actually pretty scary because… I can't entirely predict when it will control me… or what it will do if it did. The scariest thing of all is the fact that I…I might harm someone I care about.” 

Amanda is aware of the struggle poor Wooly is going through. She tried to put her hand on his shoulder, but she couldn't reach from the front seat, so she unbuckled her seat and moved her way to the back.

“Amanda, stay seated please? We don't want a nasty accident.” Riley told her in a concerned tone.

“Sorry Riley. It’s for a good cause.”. Amanda rebuckled next to Wooly and comforted him. “Wooly, you don't have to worry about that. Unlike last time, you were able to not attack us.”

“I guess so. It's probably because I was consciously able to convince them that those Husk rats are a bigger threat than you guys.”

“Wait. You could talk to it?”

 “I think I can communicate with it and it kinda communicates back. I thought it just wants me to suffer, but all It wants is for me to survive so it can remain alive as well. The only problem is that it does not trust ‘human mortals’ very well, which is why it attacked you. All it is doing is trying to protect itself.”

“Oh.”. Amanda never thought of that. She was given the impression that Demons were alive since the beginning of time, knowing that people are less of a threat and more of a play thing. Can there be demons who haven't even seen the overworld? Perhaps cults like Hameln are trying to figure that out. 

Amanda asked “Well, If you are capable of talking to that demon in your head, could you ask why it doesn't trust people, and what its experience is like on earth?”

“I don't know if it is able to answer that. It's not an alien Amanda?” Wooly commented. Amanda laughed at that joke, and Wooly chuckled a bit too.

“You know what I meant.”

“Yea…yea. Maybe I will. By the way, thanks for everything you did during these few days.”

“ You're welcome, Wooly.”

Amanda thought for a moment. “You know what? I wonder if…” she reached her hand behind wooly’s ear. Wooly was confused by her gesture, but as soon as she started scratching the right spot, the inner canine kicked in. his tail starts wagging a little, his eyes closed in bliss and leans into her hand, his leg starts kicking the air involuntarily. Amanda couldn't help but giggle at how silly and cute it is. As soon as Wooly is aware of what's happening, he backs away from her hands, and gently pushes them away.

“Wha hey. That's… cut it out. It's weird for me at this moment.”

“Sorry, I just wanted to see if you would do that thing dogs do.” 

“I'm not a dog.” Wooly mumbles to himself. “I'm just possessed by one from hell.”

“Whelp, I guess we're here” Riley told the kids.

The car finally stopped in front of a house in a Cul de sac. This part of the neighborhood is decorated with many flora from green grass to large trees and pushes. Every house is painted the same way, except for their roofs. It’s likely the best place for raising families due to less car activity. Half a dozen neighborhood kids are running around and playing hide-and-seek or catching a football. Amanda wanted to join them, but now is not a good time to have fun.

Amanda was about to step out of the car when Riley warned her “don't forget to blend in guys.”

“Oh, right”

“And wooly, you can just put on the hoodie this time. I forgot to leave the corset in the car.”

“Thank goodness, I'm getting tired of wearing that torture device.”

After they put on everything, Riley got out of the car. They limped as they headed towards the house. Both Wooly and Amanda finally noticed the nasty bite. It is swelling, discolored and sealed by crusted blood. It was a deep wound.  Wooly followed behind them to make sure Riley doesn't lose their footing. While Amanda got out of the car, she noticed a group of kids checking out the scratch marks on the back of the car. all of them are stoked and spurious, wondering whatever happened that caused that kind of damage. It sure made a good distraction from the fact that a cartoony looking girl, an anthropomorphic sheep, and an injured person is heading towards their neighbor’s home. 

As soon as they made it to the door of the house, Riley rang the doorbell. Amanda looked through the window next to the door. The interior looked pretty modern, although the house lacks much fancy decor compared to Riley’s home. from the view of the window, All she can see is a leather couch, a flatscreen TV, and a dining table. The door finally opens with Shaun on the other side of the door.

“Oh hi there Riley. I'm glad you're here this early. Come on in and have a seat while I make you something to drink.”

“Thank you.” Riley replied as they continued limping to the couch, bringing Shaun’s attention to the bite on their leg.

“Oh god.” Shaun nearly shouted in surprise. He looked at Wooly and Amanda and saw that she was also bearing signs of injuries. “Riley? Auderey? What happened to the both of you?”

“It's a long story. But first, we need to see the recording of the incident.”

“Right. I will do that as soon as I take care of both of you guys. Especially you Riley. You need medical attention. You stay right there.”. Shaun left the living room to look for a medkit. 

“Not like I could go anywhere, but Thank you. ”

______________________________________________________________

Eventually, Shaun was able to set up his laptop to show the security video. Wooly and his friends didn’t mind waiting since he provided drinks of their choice and some cookies that Shaun had bought this week. Riley’s leg has finally gotten taken care of and propped on a footrest. It was nice compared to living in a car for half a day.

Shaun went to sit down with us with a worried expression as the video started. The black-and-white video was taken in a kitchen from the ceiling perspective. Benjamin entered the kitchen area carrying cleaning equipment to the closet. There was no audio in the video, but Ben suddenly turned around towards the front counter as if he had heard something. He headed towards that direction and looked over the counter, and that is when something lunged at him. Wooly was expecting himself to be the one in the video attacking him, but thankfully, it wasn't. The video quality cleared up and revealed that it was a Husk Rat that attacked Benjamin. Two more entered the scene to join in on mauling the poor man. It ended with the Rats searching around in the kitchen area after he stopped moving.

“I expected a bear or mountain lion attack, but instead it was some sort of pack of demons who had killed him. My friend didn't deserve to die, let alone being mauled by those things.”

Wooly was glad it wasn't him that killed Ben, but still upset about his death, because Wooly still thinks that he might be the reason why the husk rats went after him. If he let Riley themself reason with Benjamin instead of dealing with it himself, it wouldn't have led Hamelin to his direction. “I'm sorry about your friend. We didn't mean to involve you guys.”

“Wait. What do you mean Wilson?”

“Well, we didn't know Hameln were gonna send monsters out to get us. If we did, we could have stayed out of town in the first place.”

“Hameln? They did this? I thought they only made toys and…and that TV show you guys cosplayed as.”

“Well, I… My name isn’t Wilson. The thing is… Hameln has been testing the dark arts and experimenting on people. We should know because… we are victims ourselves”. Wooly says this as he took off his hoodie while Amanda took off her hat. “She really is Amanda, and… I am the real Wooly.”

“Holly Shit.”. Shaun’s jaw dropped as he let everything sink in. “this can't be real. What happened to you guys? And why do you look different wi…wooly. You got horns now”

“Like I said, it's a long story” Riley told Shaun. They continued to share the story of what happened and what Hameln has done, along with how Riley started learning about the dark side of the Amanda The Adventurer show, and what recently happened. Shaun listened to every word they said, processing everything he could understand. He was very attentive, despite the stress of knowing that the people you have met are on the run from possessed rodents and attempting to expose a group of necromancy scientists. Its honestly a normal response for someone who learned that their childhood animated show was actually a simulation made to entertain people and put the young showcast through psychological torture. And to top it off, the fact that your favorite character is basically suffering from demonic lycanthropy because of them. 

“...and now we have been chased out of our home and are looking for a place to live for now, and we want to learn more about Wooly’s condition. Are you okay there Shaun?”

“I…I'm trying to take all of this in. I'm aware that some big companies would do something bad or make bad decisions, but I never knew they could do something this malicious.”

“Yea, they hid their dark secrets pretty well, didn't they?” Amanda joked, laughing nervously and awkwardly.

“Poor Sam. I should have known that Hameln was the reason for his disappearance. I'm sorry for what had happened to you Rebecca.” 

“Don’t worry. I'm used to it.”

“One more question. Would you rather be called Rebecca or Amanda?”

 “Either of those names are okay.”

“Soooo…” Wooly interrupted, “Is there any way you could help us?”

“Well, for starters, you could live here with me. I have an extra room or two that I let visitors spend the night in. you guys can stay here with me for now. I have a few old toys up in the attic for you guys to play with”

“Nice. if there are any Hamelin products up there, I'll destroy them.” Amanda jokingly threatens.

“That would be fun.” Shaun jokes. “Buuut I'm sure we will be busy researching…whatever Wooly has, right Riley?”

“I'm not sure yet. Going back to Kate's public library would be a huge risk because of that…thing that attacked her.”

“What attacked who?” Amanda asked.

“Amanda, you know about that entity you have that protects the tapes from being destroyed? Well, Wo… There was another one that attacked someone that led me to the library. She was the one who led me to you guys.”

“Oh no, I… Riley I didn't know. I'm so sorry?”

“It's okay. It isn't your fault. None of us knew”

Wooly wasn't really sure how to feel about the news. Was Riley referring to the voice from the walkie talkie? It was probably a mistake to not trust Riley’s partner, but she showed up with them all of a sudden. After everything that happened to Rebecca, it's hard to really trust people. Break our trust and you lose it for good. Can they really trust Shaun too? Wooly is too distracted by his own thoughts at the moment.

“What do we do now?” asked Amanda again

“I guess we should relax and lay low for now. Maybe we can find out what Wooly’s inner Hellhound can do.” Riley answered. That last sentence was What finally caught Wooly’s attention.

“What!? I-I-I’m not sure that's a good idea!” Wooly shouted nervously. “I’m Unstable in that form! I would rather be in that form as little as possible!”

“Wooly, I know it's scary, but we need to try and understand this demon. Maybe we can get it on its good side, Train the both of you even.”

“I don’t think it would like that.”. Wooly fiddled with his hands nervously and his eyes wondered the ground processing what they would do to him. “Please. Please don't do this!” 

He starts seeing flashbacks of all the things that Hameln has done to him. From personal experience, being experimented on means you would be prodded, probed, dissected, controlled or tortured in some way until they see results they wanted. Of course Riley wouldn't do that, but anything that involves someone experimenting on you will always result in something bad regardless. Wooly started crying in fear of what he is gonna go through.

Riley noticed that Wooly was freaking out, so they tried to reassure him. “Okay okay okay, calm down Wooly. We won’t force you into it. I'll tell you what. We can just forget about that. Maybe instead we will just learn as we go. If you do turn into a hellhound, we will try to understand how and what caused it, try to calm it, and let it stick around until you change back to normal. We will just wing it with caution and care. How does that sound?”

Wooly doesn't know how research actually works or if there are ways to do it, but it’s at least better than Hamelins. It also sounds less dreadful than what he went through. “I…guess so.”

“Good.” Riley finished. “Okay, now that we got that out of the way, what should we do to pass the time?”

A sly look formed on Amanda’s face. “Oh I have something in mind.” she answered in a mischievous tone. She giggled like how a little troublemaker would. What did she have in mind?

______________________________________________________________

The Backyard that Shaun has is pretty big compared to the house. Grass covered most of the yard, and it could have grown bigger if the brick backing wasn't there to keep it from growing into the gravel. A brick patio that came with a brick fire pit built into it also matches the brick wall. There is a lot of brick stuff. Bushes as tall as Amanda lined up in front of the brick wall, like soldiers in the military, covering the concrete-like barrier. In the far corner of the yard, there is a single, flat-topped stump that barely rotted away. Amanda was looking through a box of toys Shaun grabbed from the attic, finding the ones with the Hameln logo on them. After searching through all the storage containers in the attic, She found at least half a dozen in total. four of them are hard toys while the rest are plushies. Some are a little broken, but why try to fix them when you can destroy something from an evil corporation. Amanda couldn't wait to wreak havoc on Hameln property.

“So, which toy should we destroy first?” Amanda asked everyone who came for the rampage, specifically Riley Wooly and Shaun.

“Tough question” answered Riley “should we start off with something big, or end it with a bang?”

“Oh… I can… hm…”.  It came to Amanda’s realization that she hadn't made many decisions when she was behind a television screen. She is usually the one who asks the questions to the viewer, never the other way around. She rarely took her decisions in her own hands, only to do so if the viewer is not being cooperative. Despite the limited power she has in the tapes, she had always relied on the choices of the viewer to mold her world. Now she has a choice that could change the result of this activity. Choices could either be overwhelming or exciting for anyone. As for Amanda, she was simply distracted by the thought of it, but not for long. She decided to grab the large wooden dollhouse with a pink roof and purple interior.  “How about this?”

“Great choice! Guess we're going big then! Hey Shaun what do you have that's destructive?”

“Whatever is in the shed over there.” Shaun replied as he pointed towards a wooden structure on the other corner of the yard. Riley headed towards the shed, opened the paint-rotted door, and peered into it. They used the flashlight on their phone to look what's inside.

Riley turned their heads and asked Amanda “how do you wanna destroy that dollhouse?”

“Surprize me!” Amanda yelled.

Riley went into the shed, and after a moment of silence, They came out with a mini-sledge with a yellow rubber handle.

“Just like with the piggy bank, huh?”

Amanda let out a bit of a squeak of excitement, hoping in place and putting her hands together. “You know me too well Riley!”

“Can we burn it after?” Wooly finally spoke after a while.

“Whoa.” Amanda replied. “Is that you Wooly, or is that the hellhound talking?”

“Thought it would be a great way to release my repressed rage on the company. Also, we have a firepit, so we should put it to use too.”

“That is the best idea Wooly. Now, let's get to breaking.”

Shaun grabbed something from the shed for lighting up the dollhouse: a match and some ball of lint to use as tinder. He placed them on the rim of the firepit and watched as Riley swapped the hammer for the dollhouse Amanda handed to them. They placed the dollhouse atop of the log and backed away from it. While Riley did that, Amanda was putting on safety glasses, mask and work gloves to protect herself from the rogue debris. She prepared to get a firm grip onto the mini-sledge, using both her hands on it. 

“You ready Amanda?” asked Riley

“ Way ahead of you.” Amanda responded with determination.

Amanda approached the dollhouse on the log, examining it and figuring out how and where she should swing the sledge at. After careful scanning and planning, Amanda rearranged her grip and positioned herself to strike the first blow. Finally, the hammer came down upon the small wooden structure in full force. The force made the roof of the Dollhouse collapse upon the first floor of the dollhouse, and bits of wood flew from it. It felt exhilarating for Amanda. She struck the house again, but from the side. This made a decently big hole through the walls.  They all cheered her on to finish it off. She rotated what's left of the doll house and gave the final whack. The structure finally collapsed. Three swings is all it took to destroy the doll house.

“I AM A GOD OF DESTRUCTION!” Amanda hollered as she raised her hammer in the air with both hands.

“Yea! Way to go Amanda!” Wooly cheered.

“You go girl!” Shaun exhilarated

“That was way more fun than expected.” Amanda told them. “So, who wants to go next?”

Wooly waved his hand in the air “I do!” 

He reached for a rubber rodent toy. As soon as he grabbed it, it made the sound of a squeaker. Wooly froze, and His eyes widened while his ears perked up. He turned his head to face the toy rat in his hand.  

“Wooly? You're not gonna do what I think you are about to do, are you?” she asked.

 He glanced at Amanda, then the toy, then back at her. There were a few seconds of silence.

Then Wooly started chewing on the rubber rat ravenously, trying to tear it to pieces.  He managed to tear the head off of the fake rodent. Wooly paused to process what he did, and spat out a piece of the toy.

“Oh… um… that wasn't what I wanted to do.” Wooly told Amanda with puppy eyes. “Can I try again?”

Amanda was expecting that to happen as soon as the toy squeaked, but she couldn't help but laugh a little. “Of course Wooly. I don't see why not.”

Previous Chapter

Next Chapter

[meringues000]

Good day for another cup of toxic yaoi (future chapters), innit?

I started my new fic, you can read it here:

I'm going to post the introduction here as well. Enjoy

“So, what are your plans for tomorrow?” Seawatt asked, lounging on the couch as though it was his own, idly dangling his leg. “I found this old book in my closet, it’s some kind of Parkour language textbook. What could a man do out of boredom, huh?” His gaze wandered across the interior parkour course, the white walls, the ceiling.

The Champion was checking his wardrobe, which mostly contained stands with gorgeous armor made of gold, silver, copper with diamonds, emeralds, apatites and other gems. He responded after a pause. “I’m having a consultation regarding the design for a new helmet. How are you still wearing these cast-offs?”

Seawatt bristled, but seemingly halfway, obviously not caring enough about anything the Champion says. “Just because I often wear something doesn’t mean it’s a cast-off.”

“You wear it all the time. Do you even have other clothes?”

“Of course I do, I just stick to the style.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

The master was about to launch another argument about social image, when his phone suddenly rang. He sighed loudly, picking it up. 

“I told you not to call me if it’s not an emergency”

The pro on the other line answered nervously. “It kind of is? Someone ranked up.”

Seawatt frowned. “What? Are you sure?”

“Yes sir, one ranked up. A noob by the name of Evbo.”

The master tightened his grip on the phone, his whole body became tense. “Watch him and report immediately if he throws something like that again.”

“Yes sir, I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“What’s up?” the Champion inquired casually.

Seawatt knew he needed to tell him this now. Otherwise he’ll get in big trouble. He couldn’t risk his position. He sat straight and cowered, trying to choose his words frantically. “Well, apparently, some noob managed to rank up — which is impossible, I know for a fact, he must’ve cheated, he won’t be a problem, my people will take care of it. Even if he completed the course to become a pro, he will never become a master! He was born a noob and will always be one!” His face had assumed such a pleasant, subservient expression, that it appeared almost vulgar.

The Champion stared at him silently. His face wasn’t visible behind the helmet, which stressed Seawatt even more. He was about to crack a joke, when the Champion finally spoke up.

“You were supposed to make sure nobody ranks up, and you failed.”

The master gulped. “I know. I know. It’s my fault. I made this mistake, because I loosened control. Don’t worry, I’ll make up for it! I’ll double check the courses and question all the guards. This won’t happen again, you can have my word!”

“You think you’re irreplaceable? You think there isn’t someone out there who can actually do their job?”

Seawatt clenched his teeth, thinking, ‘Why is he so damn stubborn?’

“I’m sorry sir. It won’t happen again.”

“Just go already.”

Seawatt jumped up from the couch and left the room quietly. ‘Dickhead,’ he grumbled to himself.

Jump after jump, he made his way home with a water bucket, climbed up the stairs into the bedroom and stopped in the middle of the room. His sprawling thoughts raced, so he started pacing feverishly in an attempt to hold them down. He wasn’t afraid of the Champion anymore, but the man who managed to break the system. The man, who was great enough at parkour to beat the impossible course. He was familiar with that kind of determination. He knew that this Evbo won’t stop on the pro level. He’s dangerous and needs to get rid of. Thankfully, parkour doesn’t save from traps.

Seawatt couldn’t predict the future, so he decided to work on plan B, in case this talented noob will get to him. His bedroom was spacious and could fit any kind of parkour he wanted to practice.

[itsblasttothepast]

I'm sorry I'm going to send this to you but I'm a bit freaked out.

Sergio stays for the rest of the season but the leak from the meeting is stressing me out. I know Horner and Marko are in some kind of the power struggle and I hate it but this whole mess makes me sick.

I hoped the news would make the rumours disappear but whatever is going on at RB just keeps getting worse and worse, I saw so much hate and so much speculations that I think it's worse than before.

So I want to ask for your opinion: Do you think the Verstappens really were informed that Sergio would be replaced? Why would Max say the car was the problem then? Do you think they will sack him after 2025? Is there anything that we can know for sure? Is it really all about Mexican GP and Liberty Media?

Anon, I understand you completely, this is rather stressful and to be honest, annoying.

True, Marko and Horner are fighting for control of RBR, but Marko is in total disadvantage, as Horner has more power and well, that means Marko lashing out and feeding the press with wild stories.

I do believe something fishy is going on. Both Checo and Daniel apparently are finishing the rest of the year, and 2025 is up in the air. With Checo, he has already a contract, so if they decide to fire him, I'm sure he has something up his sleeve. He wasn't fired from Racing Point without learning how to protect himself.

My fear is that he is informed about the firing thing when he can't have another seat for next year. With Sainz in Williams (and what's the deal with Vowles? sucking up to Carlos so hard it's making things uncomfortable for Logan, we get it dude, dial it down), and apparently Sauber is choosing Bottas to be with Nico, the only seats available would be Alpine (but probably will be taken by Schumacher) and Mercedes (and Toto is Toto, if he actually takes Checo is to say a big FUCK YOU to Horner).

This is, of course, the the worst case scenario, but then... what would the haters do? The press uses Checo as clickbait, the haters need the outlet from their sad little lives... imagine if Checo isn't there, they would need to look for another driver to crap on, and who has the time in this busy world?

What I can tell you for sure, the whole Liberty Media is a rumour (that people say Marko spread because he's like that). Why? They say Liberty Media begged RBR not to fire Checo because then they won't sell the Mexico Grand Prix tickets... you know what? THEY ARE SOLD OUT ALREADY! Geez people, what's the deal with this rumour? I'm Mexican, and I wanted tickets... and I got a big 'SOLD OUT' screen IN JANUARY. Last year, after the Mexico Gran Prix, there was a pre-sale for the 2024 Grand Prix, and it was sold out in December, apparently, because I didn't have the money until January, and got nothing! The only tickets available are the super, super expensive ones that only famous and rich people can afford, and are super exclusive as well. To be clear, those tickets cost almost my entire year's salary. Of course they say also the Austin and Las Vegas Grand Prix were at risk, as Checo is liked there, but Logan is also a favorite, so there's no risk if they let go of Checo (at least not like in Mexico if the tickets reaaaally weren't sold out).

The most likely scenario that RBR would have faced if they let go of Checo before Mexico Grand Prix would have been the booing and probably curse words from all the fans, but the tickets were never compromised. So I doubt that if RBR REALLY wanted Checo out, they would have bended over Liberty media. What I can believe is that maybe the sponsors and Ford were more of an influence than the Liberty Media thing.

So the only sure thing: Checo and Daniel end the year with their respective teams. 2025 is still on the air, according to Marko, but in my opinion, if Horner really delivers with the supposed support to Checo to help with the car and his engineers, this won't be an issue for him then, as he will start delivering as he was at the beginning of the season.

Also, cost-benefit, what's the best scenario? Getting a new driverwho has to get used to the the car? Or actually working with the pilot that has already the experience and just help him improve? People think that it's easy to adjust, but the RB20 is a capricious bitch, you never know when it's going to throw you a curve ball.

Sorry for the long rant anon, but honestly, when it's related to Checo, rumours and speculations are always around, it's like a curse.

Hugs for you, and hopefully it helped a little to lessen the anxiety? (if not, tell me and I'll send you Checo pics, they always calm me down).

Also, on a side note, I remembered I'm bummed out because I'm not going to Mexico's Grand Prix 😭😭, didn't get tickets on time, maybe next year 🥹

[keitaiijima]

So what’s your opinion on three versions of Shinji? And what’s your favorite in order?

Again sorry for the late answer! This is such a difficult question for a recovering Shinji hater. And when I say hater, I mean HATER. He used to be in my bottom 3. However, @pimpedoutgreenears has changed me and I've started enjoying Shinji as a character, especially in fan content.

In terms of novel (and I guess manga) Shinji: The reason why I used to dislike him was because he was so cocky and seemed to think he was better than everyone else (which I still kind of think, but now I enjoy that as comic relief), and of course, I thought he was really unfair to Keita in not having a honest conversation with him about the incident between them that led Shinji to pull away from him. He just went on pretending everything was fine without giving Keita a chance to explain or redeem himself. And Keita ended up dead because of it.

I've cooled down a little about it. I think I see it less black and white now, and I can understand that Keita broke his trust once and that one time was all Shinji needed to not be willing to risk his (and Yutaka's) life when Keita showed up during the Program. And that Shinji's bad attitude during the Program is due to the unbelivable pressure and stress of the situation.

He's still not one of my favourite characters or anything, but I feel like I understand him more after so many years and I can appreciate him for what he is. I appreciate his relationship with Yutaka, his dynamic with Shuya and the other guys, and his drive and determination.

I feel like the novel and manga versions are pretty similar, but I will say I prefer the novel one more, as the manga one is a bit more perverted. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing or inaccurate for a teenager (or for anyone, I guess) but the manga was a little overly sexual in general for me.

The movie version: I actually never had much of a problem with the movie version of Shinji. Obviously the dynamic between him, Keita and Yutaka is very different here, and I appreciate these three kinda goofy guys trying to take down the system together. Shinji is still very much portrayed as the leader of the group, but his arrogance is really toned down I feel like. Yeah sure, he flips Keita off, slaps him once and then shuts him up with his hand another time, so you see a glimpse of his contempt for him maybe, but overall I think the trio works well. I enjoy the scene where they look at photos and talk about all going home together. Their friendship seems very genuine in the movie. In terms of ranking:

It's hard for me to rank them in order, because I never had a problem with the movie version the same way I did the novel one, but the novel one is the one I consider "canon" and the one that makes me feel... the most? His flaws are more obvious, he has made some decisions that piss me off, but we also get to know him much better, we get to know more about his motivations, about his relationship with Yutaka which is really a big part of his character too... So it feels like I'm choosing between a more fleshed out and realistic character vs the simplified version of that character.

I think I will have to go for 1. Novel 2. Movie 3. Manga. Which I know is strange, because the manga one is pretty similar to the novel one, but I think it's just me not loving the manga in the first place that affects this decision.

Ultimately novel has to come first, because if I could change the movie to include their novel storyline instead, I definetly would!

[bekahdoesnerdshit]

Playlist: Professor Ransom Kitwell

Alternate Title: She Took My Morals in the Divorce

Into the Fog by The Budos Band

An instrumental to kick things off. The slow build up, the heavy drum beats that sound like footsteps, the way each added instrument builds on the introduction until it kicks off into the real melody, it's so GOOD. And then the horns!! They're loud and on the edge of blaring, at times almost discordant, it's SO Ransom. And the obnoxious trill at 3:15 with what sounds like maybe a cup mute, that leads into such a fun solo that's So different from the rest of the piece!! It's so good. Very Ransom to me. Also, the title works as a joke about Curse of Strahd kjghdk

Don't Sing the Blues by Bohnes

I was ridiculous, young Icarus, I flew too close to the sun But when I reminisce that wickedness was the shit that kept me young And every choice I made, I wouldn't trade all that for anyone So don't you cry, cry, cry for me

This one's about young Ransom being an absolute shithead and having the time of her life. Having all kinds of adventures, getting into all kinds of trouble, and not regretting a moment of it. She firmly believes that the only bad experiences are the ones you chicken out of having. She doesn't want to have any regrets at the end of her life, and she's lived her life in way to make sure she gets to See and Do and Learn everything the world has to offer

Leader of the Pack by Wunderhorse

Some people have a special kinda knack Getting what they wanted just to stab you in the back Nine times out of ten it's the leader of the pack

Ransom is a shithead in a lovable scoundrel kind of way, but also in a, uh. In a shithead kind of way. Ransom is ambitious and driven, and she's not the kind of person to let anything get in the way of a goal she's pursuing. She'll say or do whatever she has to in order to get what she wants, consequences be damned. Or, at least, deferred. Sometimes this is a good thing, because it means she's willing to step up and problem solve when other people are hesitant or overwhelmed. But sometime it can add... tension, to relationships that matter.

Brighter Than the Sun by Brick + Mortar

I'm brighter than the sun, but I can't wait You're asking me to stay, I can't escape I'm staying up all night to sleep all day I'm brighter than the sun, but then one day

This song is mostly for Vibes, with the heavy guitar and drums and the vocalist who almost blends in with the instruments. It's also like, Ransom does have a huge ego and a lot of pride. But behind it is a kind of darkness, an edge of unhappiness. It's walled up tight, hidden largely even from Ransom herself, but it's there and it colors a lot of her actions in times of stress.

Two Letters by Bayside

Ex sounds dirty I can't say it, sounds so final and I'm still prayin' For the worst for the better, we're nothing now we're just two letters Hope you understand I'm not prepared to call you just a friend

The divorce soooooong. Ransom didn't change! She stayed exactly the same, and Hugh left her. She wasn't ready for their relationship to end, didn't even know it was something that was at risk of happening until it was too late. Without saying a word to her about it, Hugh had decided what she was wasn't enough for him anymore, took the life they'd built together, and left. "How to leave the past behind when it's around all of the time"? "I'm not prepared to call you just a friend"? Easy solution: don't. Go scorched earth, burn him entirely out of your life. It'll hurt a lot in one big burst, and then you'll be done with it and over it -over him- for the rest of your life.

Snitches and Talkers get Stitches and Walkers by Fall Out Boy

And haven't you heard, the word on the street is "I lost it, called it quits," get out into the sun Out from behind the gossip

I'll be sooo honest, I initially put this song on the playlist as a way to help set the tone for the kind of songs I was looking for and fully expected to take it off once I got the ball rolling. But like. It's a good song and ALSO. It's fast and loud and almost frenetic, like it's angry and trying to stay ahead of something. I feel like it encapsulates the anger of post-divorce Ransom, her lashing out and putting up walls that are there to this day. Big "I'll give 'em something to talk about. Something that I've done, not something I'm the victim of" type energy.

A Weak Ago by letlive.

I'm not feeling the way No, I'm not feeling the way they expect me to I'm not pulling away See, I'm just pulling the same shit on a different day

This is the last song I added to the playlist, and I actually subbed it in for another song (Devil On My Shoulder, if you were curious) after I'd sent the playlist to the server. This song is about Ransom unraveling after Allie's death, about how she became curt and blunt and - honestly?- mean in her grief. She'd been on her best behavior before because she'd wanted the party to like her more than they liked Allie, but when Allie was killed that motivation no longer existed. Ransom seemed to become an entirely different person overnight. This song is Ransom saying, no, I'm who I've always been. I'm doing the same shit, prioritizing the same way. You just don't like it anymore, because now it's getting in your way. Because you don't care about me, and you certainly don't care about Allie. (Please note, she is wrong about this. The party cares a lot, and Ransom was just too blinded by her anger and grief to see it. But that didn't change how she felt at the time, you know?)

Don't Walk, Run! by The Park Hill Romance

'Cause I've been on the run for a while But the runnin' ain't a friend of mine Oh ain't it fun With the fire back in your lungs tonight

Another song with Vibes (the same loud guitar and drums, the vocalist who blends with the music and sorta slides around instead of hitting notes precisely), another song about Ransom dealing with (read: ignoring entirely) the fact that "fuck everybody but me" isn't a long term solution and is, in fact, having an incredibly detrimental long term effect on her ability to make friends and empathize with other people. After getting in a nasty fight with one of her party members Ransom said something to the effect of "I'm out of practice having friends. I'd like to get back to it, though, if you'll let me." She's trying. She's getting better. But she's not quite there yet.

Every You Every Me by Placebo

Like the naked leads the blind I know I'm selfish, I'm unkind Sucker love I always find Someone to bruise and leave behind

I was very judicious with my use of Rallie songs; this is only the second one. It's about how, despite the fact that they treated each other SO poorly at the end, they're Ransom and Allie are the only people they could possibly fit together with. It's like that post about the fucked up charger and charging port that have warped each other so that they can only work together. That's Rallie. It's ALSO about the inevitability of coming back together, of ending up wrapped up in each other again. Hopefully, it will work out better this time. But regardless, no matter what they may tell themselves and the world at large, they're never going to be over each other or free from the other person's influence. Every time, every me, every you, we'll end up here.

Who is She ? by I Monster

Somewhere across the sea of time A love immortal such as mine Will come to me Eternally Immortal she Return to me

This is the "dealing with Allie's murder and the single-minded quest to resurrect her" song. It's spooky, a little unnerving, it's discordant in a way that's reminiscent of the first song on the playlist. It's about an obsession with a memory, a dream, and letting that obsession drag you down to the point that you can't distinguish reality anymore. And after Allie's death Ransom sorta, well... I also think the "Immortal she / Return to me" is haunting and is SUCH a strong way to end a playlist that started with loud horns and shouting and drums. Look how far we've come. Look how far she'll continue to go to fix what terrible wrong was done.

[goldenpinof]

Gonna tinhat in your asks just because

I feel like it really WAS supposed to be a hiatus. They stepped away from the gaming channel and joint content bc Dan had a lot of projects he wanted to work on (the more serious content like big, the YouTube show, maybe even the solo tour) just to stretch his creative limbs and bc they needed to sort out the house/move, and uploading through all of that would be stressful. They were probably thinking 2-3 years tops. And then the world blew up and half of Dan's plans blew up with it

I feel like this return is GENUINE, like they've wanted to do it and just haven't been able to yet because Dan wasn't done with his stuff

i see that you have good points. it was very convenient to not have a gaming channel when they ended up living in a filming apartment with 0 space. but Dan constantly saying (through Phil sometimes) that he doesn't want to make that type of content anymore and doesn't want the gaming channel to return... it was very telling. only Phil was saying "maybe" because he was the only one actually wanting and needing it. that "maybe" was saved in case everything else went down. like a safety blanket that they always could pull out. which they did.

i understand Dan wanting a hiatus of sorts. he was burnt out. 2018 was a crazy year! it's just.. the vibes we started getting right after were very final. "Dan doesn't want it" was a final statement. and maybe he didn't want it because of other projects. he basically killed DanandPhil brand at some point, it was very apparent that he wanted to get out of that label. that he wanted a name outside a very successful duo they built throughout almost a decade. and it was fucking hard for him, you know. i understand that. the 1st project was ruined by youtube and covid. the company that he gave 10 years of his life let him down. it's a rough fucking start for a name building.

i'm simplifying a lot here, bear with me :))

i think the wad tour opened Dan's eyes a little bit. and i will take it as a win in the end of the day. it was starting very well and promising. the concept and 1st promo materials were well done. but then everything started wobbling and neither Dan nor his team was ready to deal with problems fast enough. and in contrary to how fuckups didn't really make a difference during ii NOW they made a difference. Dan couldn't make a name between 2019 and 2022, so he started going back and forth with his content. sometimes it wasn't clear who was the main target for videos, announcements and promos. i still don't know who initially was the target audience for his book. it can't be us! we know everything he wrote there. but marketing was so non-existent, it's scary how it could flop if he didn't have an audience based on DanandPhil™. his tour had somewhat of an audience also only because of the branding he was so determined to escape. although, there was a moment when he tried to advertise it for a wider audience, wasn't it? especially in the UK, where they had actual posters in the cities outside the venues. i remember having questions about why marketing shifted throughout the tour (while the script stayed the same! loser). i can't say that dystopia daily even had a target audience in mind rfbhfjekeeo

what i'm trying to say is, something changed in Dan's mind. there was a series of events that made him realise that coming back to dnpgames wasn't actually a bad idea. the European leg of his tour was the biggest mess i've ever seen. the fact that Dan explicitly threw shade on people he worked with only confirmed how bad things were. the search for a new management team, constant postponing of wad dvd, Phil's recycling content, and god knows what else – maybe it made him realise that a familiar content on a channel that everyone loves so much and will give views (and money) is what's best right now. new projects are always a risk. dnpgames isn't. and he still can work on something alongside. especially if he finally has new managers who will fight for his interests and property communicate with people they happened to work with. (allegedly. we don't know if he actually got new representatives).

if he actually had a 2-3 years plan (even 5 years plan, idc), the communicative language should have been different. but the only vibe i was getting from him right till yesterday was "i don't what to do what y'all are suggesting. period." and then he is talking about hope on twitter?! bro, as if it wasn't in your hands all this time 😭 i love him and i wish him all the best, and i'm rooting for his career more than for my own. but damn, does he not make it easy 😂

P.S. if turns out i'm wrong, forget i ever said anything. Thanos your memory out <3

[foliosgirl]

Hey. I had loose thoughts in my mind about Folio as a drum teacher, so I don't know already where this will end (probably in smut, hehe). I'm writing this from Folio's and my perspective.

Let's start with Folio. Enjoy. If you want to be tagged let me know :)

Songs (as an inspiration):

Amber Mark - Mixer

Bad Omens - Malice

Drake feat. Jay-Z - Talk up

Majid Jordan, Naomi Sharon - Waiting for you

Phil Collins - Easy Lover

Zayn - Sweat

Lenny Kravitz - Again

Bad Omens - Just pretend (Live 2024)

Coldplay - Clocks

Thornhill - Nurture

Linkin' Park - Numb

Twenty One Pilots - At the risk of feeling dumb

TD_Nasty, Clara La San - Where u wanna be

Architects - Black lungs

I'll extend this. Maybe :)

Teach me

(Nick)

It's been a sucky time since Noah, the singer of my band suffered from a burn out and nobody knew when it would go on again. Our project Concrete Jungle OST, a soundtrack to our comics, had been released a few days ago.

My cell phone beeped:

"The fans are crazy about your OST album. Some of them like it a lot, but a lot of them don't like it at all. So it's the same as always."

I didn't even read through any comments like that anymore. The message was from our tour manager Matt.

I was exhausted too. It had just been too much lately. Nicholas, our bass player, was the only one who had somehow managed to get through this time reasonably well. Jolly, the guitarist, was already composing new songs after we had canceled our dates in Europe and the UK because he couldn't stand still and do nothing. It was hard for me too, but as a drummer I couldn't write my own songs if I didn't even have a melody. I needed something to do other than spend hours a day improving my drumming. I decided to give drum lessons for the first time in my life. In the garage at my parents' house a few streets away was my current kit and the old one I'd had since childhood. I couldn't part with the old kit. Even today, I sometimes only practiced on the small old kit so that I could play in a more reduced way. Besides, it didn't bother anyone in the garage.

In my own apartment, the neighbors were too close and would never have accepted it. I went to the music school where I was taking drum lessons myself at the time to ask Scott, the head of the school, if I could put up a notice. It said:

"Offering drum lessons for beginners and intermediates ages 6 and up. Nick: +1 323 xxxx xxxx".

It felt good to be back.

"Is Scott in?" I asked the obviously new receptionist.

"Just a moment. What's your name?"

"Nick" I replied a little nervously and looked at the posters on the walls.

"Hey Nick!" Scott said and greeted me with a handshake. "How's it going?"

"That's why I'm here. I need to do something. It's been very stressful over the last few years, but Noah's burnt out and we don't know when we'll continue. Certainly not in the next six months. He has 2 therapy sessions every week and the rest of the time he hardly leaves his bed. But I can't go on making music on my own. I have a big request for you. Can I put this up here? I can make good use of the time now and give lessons in my parents' garage. You probably still don't have enough teachers, do you?"

"I'm sorry about that. Sure, put the note up. No problem. Tracy, could you give Nick some tape so he can put the note up?"

The receptionist handed me the tape and grinned.

I tore off two small strips and read through my note again. Relieved, I exhaled and gave her the tape back.

"Oh Nick, I have a really talented boy who would probably be happy if he could take a few lessons with you. I'll let him know straight away, all right?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll see you soon, Scott. Take care, buddy!"

I closed the door, grabbed my skateboard and headed back home.

After all, I'd been out for about 15 minutes today.

I put on my headphones and played my playlist (Linkin' Park - Numb).

At the intersection, my cell phone vibrated. "How are you? I'm sorry. I can't say it enough. (Noah via iMessage).

I rolled my eyes. He had already apologized 100 times. It was for the best instead of us all breaking up at some point. The mood had been very tense over the last few weeks because we were all just exhausted from touring.

"I'm giving drum lessons soon. Scott already has a student for me. I've just put up a notice. Maybe a few more will join. Otherwise, I hope you get a little better every day. And stop apologizing!"

'Where u wanna be' TD_Nasty, Clara La San

I couldn't listen to it anymore. A favorite song of my ex-girlfriend. Our relationship didn't survive all the touring. I had hardly been home in the last two years, always on the road. I missed her, but it was better that way, even though we had been in a relationship for a very long time. Since high school, 10 years. I skipped the song, no, I even removed it from my playlist for good. Fuck it.

'Architects - Black Lungs'

I put my left leg back on the board and used my right one to continue riding home.

Exhausted, I flopped down on the couch and turned on the TV. Netflix and chill. Although it was sunny, I had no motivation to do anything else today.

---

(Stella)

I took my little cousin to music school for bass lessons. My aunt worked a lot and didn't have much time for him, but at least she picked him up from his lessons after work. I couldn't do much with him. He was 13, in the middle of puberty and exhausting. But not because he was loud, just the opposite. He couldn't get a sound out. Even with me, he only talked the bare minimum. Well, bass was probably the most suitable instrument for him. With anything else, he would be more the center of attention and I didn't see him there at all. "Have you got a new drum teacher by now? I'd still like to take lessons." I asked Tracy, the receptionist at the music school. "Unfortunately not, but look, someone put that note up last week. He gives lessons in his garage. He was a really nice guy who also studied with us."

'Offering drum lessons for beginners and intermediates ages 6 and up. Nick: +1 323 xxxx xxxx'.

I took a picture of the note with my mobile.

"Okay, Taylor, have fun."

Wordlessly and at a snail's pace, the teenager walked into the rehearsal room.

I rolled my eyes. "God forbid. I'm done with kids." I let Tracy know. "Until the right one comes along."

"The right one won't come along and I'm already too old."

"At 29?" she asked with a grin. "Thank you," I laughed.

I was already 34. Fucking 34. I was always estimated to be younger, which of course made me happy, but I just wasn't having any luck with men.

I didn't even want to fall in love anymore, my experiences were too bad, I preferred just to have sex without commitment.

It also suited my job as a nurse better. The constant shift work was anything but relationship-friendly.

'Hey Nick, do you still have a slot for a beginner? I'd be delighted. -Stella'

I sent the text message.

The next day I received a reply: 'Hi Stella, sure. When do you have time? Can you come tomorrow at 4pm?'

I looked at my duty roster.

'That fits. Can you send me the address?

I didn't hear back until my shift was over at 3pm the next day.

'Sorry, I hope you can still make it. I'm a bit stressed." This time, the message arrived on WhatsApp with the location stamp from Google Maps.

Now I was stressed too. I hurried home to get something to eat, packed up my dad's sticks and set off on my bike. I arrived in front of a beautiful house just in time. I couldn't miss Nick because he was already shmashing drums. I didn't see a doorbell on the garage, so I decided to call him.

"Stella here. I'm outside the garage."

A good-looking, dark-haired man opened the garage from the inside and invited me in.

"Nick. Nice to meet you. You want to start drumming?" I nodded. He was so damn attractive that it made me nervous and left me speechless at first. His hair was freshly cut and styled back. He was muscular and wore black trousers and a dark red T-shirt. I also noticed his countless tattoos. His left arm was completely full and he had one on his neck, that was all I could see.

I didn't want to come across as weird, so I tried to forget how handsome he looked and started talking.

"Yes, I have to. For my father." "For your father?" he asked, puzzled.

"My father passed away recently. I live in his house now and I'm sure he'd be happy to have his drums used." I smiled. "Oh, I'm sorry about that. Can you read music sheets?" "No. Does it matter?"

He shook his head before answering my question in the negative.

"Okay. What do you know about drums so far?" My eyes drifted to the smaller kit. "May I?"

"That's what you're here for."

I sat down and adjusted the chair. I played everything one by one and told him the names of the drums and cymbals.

-"That's right. Can you play anything yet?" I grinned and played the simplest things I could. I was amazed myself that I hadn't forgotten how to do them.

"Good, what do you want to achieve?"

What did I want to achieve? "I want to get better." "We can do better," he smiled and sat down at the other kit

---

(Nick)

In the meantime, I had just accepted my 5th student. Another beginner, or rather my first female student. I decided not to take on any more new students. It was incredibly stressful and the mother of the boy Scott had referred to me was incredibly annoying and always pushed him so hard that I had to control myself not to freak out.

Stella, my new student, didn't seem to be a teenager anymore. At least that's not how her message read. I liked the Italian name. It reminded me directly of my partly Italian-born family.

I listened to my band's song 'Malice'.

'No matter how long it takes. I'm going to practice 'Malice' again and destroy everything on the next tour. Anyone against us including Malice in the set again?

I wrote in the group chat of our band. Somehow I missed the guys. Hanging out together almost every day after such a long time and getting on each other's nerves, but also growing closer together and now not seeing each other for an indefinite period of time was extremely strange. In general, it was strange to be alone so much, to no longer have a relationship, even though we had all the time in the world to have this relationship now, but it was too late.

I still had our photo as a lock screen. I hardly noticed it anymore.

I played 'Malice' for the first time in many years. It sounded like shit.

I was too slow on the double bass pedal and it annoyed me. I had forgotten the time, because when I sat down at the drums, time flew by. I was very ambitious to get better at it. Stella, my new student, called to say she was outside my garage. I opened the garage door and in front of me stood a slim woman with dark hair and a plunging neckline. Her large breasts immediately caught my eye and I couldn't tell if they were real. They distracted me. I hoped she didn't notice my gaze and was covering up the fact that...fuck, she's your student!

She seemed to be a few years older than me. A strange feeling that I should be teaching someone grown up among the children and teenagers, but certainly exciting. She looked at me shyly through her green eyes as I introduced myself and I asked if she wanted to start drumming. Such a stupid question. Why else was she here?

I took the opportunity to look unobtrusively at her ass as she adjusted her chair in front of the kit.

Fuck, this was never going to go well. I liked her, but she was my fucking student.

[gwydionmisha]

Personal: Assholes at the Lake

Apparently the crack down on illegal fireworks spirred by wildfire risk is working. Not only did we not get a week of random explosions, I couldn't hear professional explosions or neighborhood ones unless I went outside. No one set anything off in my complex let alone right uder the livingroom window as is the usual practice. As far as I could tell the cats didn't notice.

The sky has been subtly uncanny valley for… I'm guessing a weekish? Suntly the wrong colour. No clouds. Yes, in a lot of places no clouds is fine, but here, there are almost always clouds of some sort. Normal cloudless periods are like a couple hours at most. Day after day of no clouds at all is absolutely a climate change thing in our weird little micro-environment, it's only been happening for a few years and I associate it with wildfires. The sky isn't bruise or orange, so that's good, but now and then, I get a whiff of something burning that shouldn't be. I can't explain it, but the sky's the wrong shade of blue to the south. Without clouds, the sky is too big here.

It is very much not helping that I keep having to go out into the extreme heat and pollen, whether I want to or not and it's a problem. I have had heat exhaustion, and once, likely heat stroke, but wasn't given proper medical attention at the time. (I'm not writing about it again now; I am tired). I was never particularly good at high heat and humidity. I can't really function in it at all now. Add in all the pollen and i struggle to think and breath and move about.

The cats are stressed, of, course, but it's because they are worried about my health (I'm moving in ways that show obvious extreme pain and exhaustion) and because of two months of massive disruptions to their schedules and periodic human intruders including men with boots. These things are also freying at me, but I didn't piss all over the sofa, nor did I start a literal pissing contest with a cat in another part of town over which cat Goth Millenial belongs to. My having to deal with all the extra mess and laundry is not helping. I am looking very hard at you, Tavy.

My physio is going very badly. I keep having to pull chunks of excercise sets because my arm noipes out or standing hurts to much to do that many of the ones I can only do standing up.

I did take some of the Millenials out to the lake sunday. We tried to go to the one without invasive wildlife, but spent ages just to not get in. I drove back to my end of town. I always liked that lake better, but you have to decontaminate everything to avoid spreading the snails kayakers brought from new zealand. I didn't see any fish, and it looked like there were fewer dragonflies The trees and the water were still beautiful though. We swam until my arm gave out and we had cheese, crackers, and fresh lychee while watching families swim.

Then the assholes turned up. Aparently they had been there earlier, as they claimed that the crumpled up abandoned looking towel they'd casually dropped at the edge of the cut a body length away from us meant that we were encroaching on them somehow. It was a crowded day at the lake. Four feet would not have been a weird distance even if we hadn't thought it was just a lost towel or they'd had it spread out with gear like a normal person. We weren't blocking access. we had yto be close to the water because i'm an older disabled person and as it was the crawl from the water's edge was pergatorial. (I decided it would be easier and hurt less then them levering me up and me hobbling the distance. Did i mention my spine and hips are nightmares right now?)

So the assholes got angry at us for not intuiting that they owned a 15 yard stretch of close to the water space in a public park by virtue of them having dropped a balled up towel near it. O.o It was 6:30ish PM. You literally can't get a sunburn that late at this latitude, because the angles are wrong. They stood close and sprayed and sprayed and sprayed arisol sunblock all over each other which blillowed towards us in a cloud. And not just us, but a dad and a two and a half year old toddler. I nmentioned I was a lung patient, so she started blowing massive about of vape at us. And the dad. And the toddler with delicate lungs, because that's just how entitled they were to the entire strech of land between too batches of reeds and we all deserved chemical warfare for daring to do normal things at the lake. Which as douche bag white 20 somethings they owned. We all got sore throats and queasy, I was coughing and had lung and breathing trouble all night. The Millenials were angry they were doing this to an elder, especially one who had an assistive devise and was obviously disabled. I was angry that they did this to a baby playing along the thin stretch of beach with her dad watching over her.

I am pretty sure I am not the asshole here.

Bonus? We lost the housing increase battle and somehow I must find an extra $142 a month starting in august while still paying all the other bills and buying things I can't do without, like toilet paper. I am still catching up for the refridgerator. The Millenials are all going through a bunch of no fault of their own crises too and two of them need to move by the end of the month.

It is A LOT. Especially in this terrible unnatural heat. Which I now need to go out in again for arm torture. Sigh.

[claire-starsword]

The Guardiana Magic School Run - Part 10

We're back and everything was set up in the last part, so it's straight to battle this time. The clear bonus is only money this time so no pressure, which is good, because it's a forest battle, so no one's walking far today!

There's skeletons in the road, but they're the least of our problems. The Pegasus Knights should be way stronger, and move a lot better in the forest.

Also our instakill friends are back, because Runefaust loves to raise my stress levels :)

Very little happens on the first turn, Max and Gong bait a skeleton, the Pegasus knights do not come towards us, one actually went upwards which is ??? but okay, and everyone else is chilling at the forest with three steps per turn.

Of course a single skeleton is no issue to deal with, we even manage to leave the kill exp for Anri, who is the only one behind in levels after how well Arthur did in the last battle. I put Max to the right of the skeleton in hopes it would bait a lone knight out, but nope. The knights seem to be gathering with the dark elves on the middle of the road. Because of course I want the new strong enemy type to team up with the old strong enemy type, i love this, i'm fine with this situation :))))

I'm actually scared of moving Max up because of the instakills, so I take things slowly. Tao and Gong clean up another Skeleton, also these things are dropping Medical Herbs like crazy today but at least from these guys I expect it. Max finally baits a knight and shows that he's still invincible no matter what new things the game throws at us. I play a bit safe with Anri to make sure she's not in reach of any enemies, since after the last battle i'm fairly sure the elves prioritize mages over even Max.

She also finally gets to use Freeze after all the undead she's had to face so far.

Ironically, she learns Blaze 2 as soon as I say that. Finally an AoE option, though I'm fairly sure Freeze 1 deals the same amount of damage for less MP so it's still the best option for single targets.

Every time these guys attack I feel like crying, but thankfully the ferocious attack is not the attack we fear.

Turn 4 is here and I need those elves dead but I also need the knight dead because Anri is A Bit Squishy. All of these enemies have big evasion I think. We'll be essentially rolling a lot of dice right now, except Tao does reach the knight so her kill is guarantee, I'll even use Blaze 2 because I'm unsure if 1 would do enough damage and I'm not taking any risks.

The RNG has blessed me and with this (hubris incoming), the worst of the battle has passed. Tao also gets a mediocre level up of only +1 defense, but who cares she's still the best.

I try giving Khris some exp and the skeleton decides to be mean with a counter, thankfully Arthur is there to save her, in a reversal of last battle's dialogue.

Khris redeems herself by finishing off a Pegasus Knight after Anri and Tao softened them up. Turns out I was right to be paranoid before, Blaze 1 deals only 7 damage to them.

It's turn 6 and things are entirely chill. Between his last level up and the forest bonus Max is only taking 2 damage from the lizardmen this time around, so not even them get to be a problem. By turn 8 all enemies have been wiped out with no hassle. I mean, almost.

This guy has refused to move since the battle started. Dude does not care at all. Zero ambition. I respect that. I do not respect the rest of this battle though.

Look at the vast amount of nothing in front of us. There's only three enemies at the very end, and another lone knight in the middle, which might also not come. I don't feel like wasting a billion turns to bait them, that's for sure. No one needs exp that much right now.

So yeah! Let's have a whole vacation on this forest I guess! I'll also start casting the heals for exp, because I doubt there'll be any need for them, and if I mess up there's always herbs, the skeletons made sure of that.

It's now turn 13.

boy that was BORING. Gong got a chonky level up and that's it, Lowe also leveled up but it was nothing of it, he just learned Slow and who cares.

The pegasus knight finally came so we get something to do. Despite the boredom, it would not surprise me if we fail the clear bonus just because we can't reach the enemies in time, half the team is pretty much useless at this point.

Perhaps it is also worth mentioning that the final pegasus knight at the bridge is of a higher level, so that could be trouble. Not for Max of course, but for normal people.

Also, I've just noticed some of my characters have a "defend" marked on their stats, and I have no clue what that is.

Turn 15 is here. We're not getting that bonus.

I do have a last ditch effort to make, I did hope I could show this off as soon as possible.

OH GOD IT ACTUALLY KILLS

IF I GET THE BONUS LIKE THIS IT WILL BE SO FUNNY

anyway, that's Supernova. 16 MP well spent. Max has 19 MP right now, so it is a heavy cost, but you now know it very much has use.

And now that I've seen it with my own eyes I can explain why I doubted Max would learn this spell unpromoted. The man does not have animation for it at all, I'm familiar with the ripped sprites so that's why I was confused. Between this and it being a technological thing, it would not surprise me if this was meant to be promotion only (his hero armor is also heavily implied to be ancient tech, even more in this game), and they forgot/couldn't code it like that for some reason. Given all the other wonkiness I've been complaining about spell levels and promotion, maybe there's even more coding disasters behind this.

And that's it on the obligatory tangent during a boring battle, let's see if this light from above was actually a miracle.

Gong hit this guy, Arthur sadly missed, so unless Max somehow counters both enemies that's a no on the miracle bonus.

absolute nonsense

alas, as the nonsense happened I realized it would not work out,

because that DAMN knight is still napping out there in Bustoke, so no, we did not wipe out all enemies, and the battle is not finished.

Given how half my force was useless from the middle on, there was probably some smart play of sending them to deal with that guy. I thought about it. I just didn't wanna risk it because I'm here to not let anyone die above all.

Gods, that's frustrating though, I can't believe Max's absurd stunts are gonna go to waste. Actually, nothing matters anymore so let me go on another tangent. So, Supernova, am I right? Remember that at this point of the game's plot, Max has amnesia. He knows nothing of the ancients, we haven't even seen Laser Eye. This man just leveled up one day, and recovered exactly one (1) memory of his past, and that memory is essentially "hello son, here's our nuclear launch codes, bye".

I can't blame him for not being normal. Who would be normal under these circumstances.

So. yeah. We step on the bridge and win, no bonus. I am so sad.

Ending the battle in the bridge takes you straight to the next battle, but I just use the retreat command, we have setup to do back at Bustoke. Even without the bonus, we should have enough money to buy at least one more Silver Ring.

We do, and honestly the bonus would not give us an extra one, so perhaps i'm crying about little. It was more a matter of glory, really.

The ring goes to Anri, because while the magic users continue to be unoriginal and all have the same defense stat, Anri has by far the worst HP, so hopefully this will still let her survive a bit. Though the next battle has something to say about that, the next battle will just be horrible for Anri in general.

There's no more setup to do as the deals section has nothing new, but we have a few more promotions to discuss, as everyone has reaped piles of exp this time.

Lowe is on pretty much the same situation as Gong, he only learns Heal 4 at level 22, after promotion. Unlike Gong however he doesn't learn Aura so he isn't delaying anything else important, who cares about Quick and Slow. So yeah, like Gong, he'll be promoting at level 16 after getting Heal 3 as fast as possible. I don't recall Vicar only staves until chapter 6, so that should be plenty of time for him to level up.

And now Arthur.

Arthur might be the character that pisses me off the most when it comes to this mechanic change. He only learns level 1 spells, Blaze at level 15, Freeze at level 20, and Bolt at level 25. This is already kinda bad in the mega drive version, having single target Blaze and Freeze spells on a guy that already has weapons with the same range is pretty meaningless, save for getting through the occasional high defense enemy. Bolt is the only meaningful spell he gets due to being AoE at least, and he's already getting it super late.

Here, though? He's getting it ten levels later at best, and by promoting him earlier, you also delay his first spells by ten levels, which completely loses the character flavor. Like, is he still useful? Of course yes, you are seeing him kick ass in this playthrough, and the new weapons help a lot. But he's largely just another paladin. It's pretty sad that the series fumbled the concept of a magic knight twice.

There's no helping it though, so I will be promoting him now and hope we still get to enjoy at least a bit of Bolt eventually, but don't count on it. I legit considered not counting him for this magical playthrough because of this, but since he's a character that normally gets overshadowed by late game knights, it's nice to get to focus on him here. He just really deserved better.

Still, congrats to him for being the first promoted member of the run. His prize is, stat loss. Another stupid mechanic but I can't blame the GBA version this time. jk I can why did they keep this.

It's a bummer note to end on but next update should be exciting as we face Laser Eye. See ya.

Losses: 0 Deaths: 2 Max's memories: Just one, but it's a doozy.

[just-a-tiny-beast]

I work in early development, mostly sensorimotor exercises. I cannot stress this enough!!! 👆👆👆👆👆

I'm flabbergasted by the amount of parents, who'd try to "protect" their babies/kids from literally everything: movement, falling, height, getting dizzy from spinning, physical strain (like lifting big objects), muscle aches (from climbing, running a lot, doing cartwheels etc.), playing ball games, getting scratches and bruises, harsh lights, sudden noices, loud music, "scary" stories, the list goes on forever. They don't know, but they're keeping their kids from developing properly.

Helicopter parenting causes all kind of issues:

poor gross and fine motor skills

poor hand-eye coordination

poor balance

sensory processing disorder

eating disorders

self-esteem problems

anxiety and stress disorders

behaviour problems and poor social skills

sets back logical and critical thinking

causes attention deficit and problems concentrating

makes planning and executing harder than it should be

can lead to learning difficulties (dyslexia, dyscalculia, dysgraphia).

There are these things, called primitive reflexes. In my experience most people don't know about them, so let me explain: They're basically survival reflexes, controlled by the brainstem. Automatic movements and reactions, without conscious control. They're called primitive, because all mammals have them, even reptiles and birds have some of them, so from an evolutionary perspective they're pretty basic functions. They're really important in the begging of life, to help us survive, to develop our muscles to move around. Some are present in utero, others through infancy, roughly till the first year of life. After the 1st year, when we learn to talk, walk, run, jump, climb, spin, manipulate objects, solve puzzles, eat on our own etc., they should dissappear, unlocking higher brain functions. If they don't integrate, they cause the problems mentioned above.

What makes them integrate? Think about it. We humans are big brained, tool using, bipedal apes. What made us like that? What made us more than the other mammals around us?

Our diverse diet, the opposable thumbs we used to climb trees with, the need for survival and a lot of trial and error. From infancy, humans are wired to experience life at its harshest. So what makes reflexes integrate? Moving around, a lot of sensory stimuli, taking risks, and being in situations we solve on our own. In order to be really smart, we need to be apes first.

We are meant to move around: climb high, run fast, spin/roll, lift heavy, throw far. We are meant to be reckless, make mistakes, hurt ourselves in order to learn. We are supposed to experience all kind of sensory stimuli: sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, gravity, balance, and you've guessed it, PAIN as well.

We are meant to think for ourselves! We are meant to survive the impossible!

What I see everyday, is pretty grim. Kids are kept from developing by their own parents. I see 6-7 year old "babies", who are supposed to start school, but have the skills of an infant. They don't have the attention span for a class, they don't have the muscles to sit straight, don't have the balance to sit still (yeah, to stand or sit still we need good balance, it's easier to keep our balance while in motion - think riding a bicycle), they don't know left from right, they don't have fine motor skills for manipulating a pencil properly, don't have the hand-eye coordination needed to wright and read, don't have a working memory good enough to remember instructions, and they definitely don't have the logical thinking skills and self-sufficiency to solve problems on their own. They experience defeat all the time, and don't have the emotional intelligence and maturity to deal with those feeling, which leads to all kinds of psychological and behavioural issues. Their parents get worried, and they pay massive amounts for therapy, the kids wouldn't need in the first place, if their infancy and childhood were less controlled and more "risky".

My job is to teach these kids the skills their parents should've taught them. I spin and roll them around, hang them upside down, make them climb, do somersaults, hop on one leg, jump up and down, lift and throw things. I train them to support their own bodyweight on their hands, to walk on a balance beam, balance standing on fitness balls or tilting planks. I teach them how to take a fall. I let them fall a lot. Actually, sometimes I make them fall on purpose.

I let them learn from their mistakes, I teach them not to be afraid of mistakes, I support them so they can learn to process mistakes. I never solve their problems for them, I just ask questions and encourage them to think for themselves. I let them try bad ideas. I support them to deal with the consequences if they made a bad decision. I comfort them if they get hurt. I let them be kids.

On my hands and knees begging adults to allow children to engage in risk play.

And by risk play I don't mean handing them a gun and playing Russian Roulette.

I mean like climbing trees, getting so sick spinning on the swing they throw up, balancing on the curb, sitting in the mud, walking on slippery surfaces, building half ass ramps to ride their bike over, standing on rocks, or anything that involves a smidgen of confidence and out of the box thinking that could result in injury.

Obviously like watch your kids and such, but when we talk about the fun of being an 80s or 90s kid, it's not just talking about CDs and Walkmans or not having iPads. It's about how kids today were robbed of critical learning and experience skills we were allowed to have.

Playgrounds disappearing, helicopter parents, and sue culture really destroyed a child's development in the United States, and I think it's about time we as adults recognize that, because the kids sure have.